Always Learning

I've learned a number of things in the past 2+ years that I've been out of my marital relationship. One is that I can grow gray hairs super easily as well as lose those colored hairs just as easily. I'm honestly surprised I'm not bald yet. On the hair front, perhaps the head hairs are just migrating to my face? I seem to need my chin waxed an awful lot. Same with the upper lip. Ah, well, such is the tale of my life.

Another thing I learned, and possibly most vital, is I haven't worked out the issues I thought I had. I still question my sexuality sometimes. It's more of an, "Am I asexual?" question, though. I had many of those thoughts while I was still in my marriage. Sometimes it just takes so long to even hold hands or snuggle, and then that's enough for me. I've been chalking it up to numerous surgeries, stress, and peri-menopause, but I really feel like something may be wrong with me some days.

There are times I think I'm not "qualified" to be in a relationship. I look at how hard it seems to coexist in a relationship which is based on communication. There are times I panic and wonder if Shawn won't love me anymore if I tell him my thoughts. It's true some of the stuff I say might upset him, but he's always wanted to talk out what I've said. I'm so very lost on this concept. Just the thought of open communication in those instances can send me into panic. For as much as I preach open communication in relationships, I have no freaking clue on how to participate.

I am learning how to set boundaries. This is a really hard step for me. I can joke about people not stepping all over me, but honestly, I'm still such a big squish. It takes quite a bit for me to say, nope, I'm not doing that. Yet it's another subject I preach the hell out of.

I'm hoping one day I'll have all my questions answered and all my hurt healed. I know, however, we keep learning our whole lives. Will the lessons get any easier?

Until the next dirt...

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