Moving on with the Dirt

I have a few items that keep me sane. The main items are in the pictures below. This first picture contains two bottles that I take on an "as needed" basis, but they are so important to me. They are my muscle relaxers and my anti-anxiety meds. Obviously, I don't take them together, and I rarely take them at all. When I do need them, though, I'm grateful for them.   This second picture is the meds that I take everyday. Without these babies, I'd be a bigger mess than I am on air. The bottom and middle row I take in the morning, and the middle and top row I take at night. One of these medications is actually for my compulsive behavior. I looked at all of these meds when I took this picture and tried to figure out how many of them are actually for my bipolar disorder. I couldn't believe that only four or five of them were. It seemed to confirm I'm a hot mess without them. There are other things that keep me sane. I'll be going to the Whisper Cabin again th...

It is so nice not to be questioning myself constantly anymore. Maybe it's just for this week, but I'll take it. I feel like my brain is finally losing the fog. My chiro appointments are finally going down to once a week. I only have three more pool therapy appointments before switching to physical therapy appointments on land. (Well, I'm hoping; keep your fingers crossed for me.) My medications are finally done being monkeyed around with. They've had some side effects, but I think I've worked them out. And it's been wonderful to work them out with a clear head! Nick and I went away together over the weekend. I texted my sister on Saturday to ask if we could visit her the next morning, and not even half an hour later we saw her and her hubby while we were out to dinner. It was awesome to be able to visit with them and catch up. Work has been busy, and I've been loving it. My boss hasn't been feeling well, and I thrive under pressure. I feel horrible becau...

It's Sunday night and I'm sitting at my desk, hand to my head, wondering what the heck I'm supposed to write about. I've been opening my computer all week, sitting on this page, and my muse has been nowhere to be found. Tonight I finally cleaned off the table and started a puzzle, looking for a little inspiration. You know I'm desperate when I start a puzzle. It finally hit me - World Kindness Day was Saturday, November 13. I'm going to talk about some ways I'm kind to myself, and maybe you can get some ideas for yourself. A big way I'm kind to myself is my writing. I journal almost everyday. Even if it's about how I'm "just" doing laundry or how frustrated I am doing dishes...again...I put something down on paper. Many times, those insignificant musings will transform into deeper feelings, and word puke will come out, filling pages of my journal. Now, I'm very lucky. I feel I can trust everyone in my household not to read what I...

I've been writing this blog for over a year. I've only missed one Monday, which I consider pretty good. I hope I've entertained and educated. I hope I've opened up eyes to mental illness, private lives, monogamy, and other such subjects. I promised myself I was going to be so open in this blog, and it amazes me at how much I've actually kept to myself. Because of that, I wonder about how keeping so much to myself has affected my mental health. There's a great writing prompt I think I'm going to base this week's blog on. The writing prompt is this: How can you nourish and care for your mind this month? I think the first thing I need to do, not just this month but from now on, is quit sweating the small stuff. We held Matthew's birthday parties over the weekend. We split the birthday parties into two - one for my side of the family and one for Nick's side. We were trying to be respectful of the Covid situation and the health of everybody. Some of o...

I keep waiting for the third accident to happen. Saturday night, it went from waiting for the third accident to happen to waiting for the third bad thing to happen. I fought the urge to hurt myself just to make it happen. I just need it over with. Paranoia, watching over my shoulder, being jumpy - it's how I live my life right now. I just want this over. It's exhausting, living this way. My days are busy with appointments. Some days are so busy I can't keep up. I cry at the end of the day because I just want a break. Busy days and paranoia don't mix. My house is a mess and I can't keep up. I feel like I'm neglecting my kids. Matthew's needs feel like they're on the bottom rung of the ladder of my life. This past Friday I only had one appointment. I managed to get caught up with laundry and fully vacuum the house. I felt accomplished. Then everyone came home and it looked like shit again. Why do I try? I'm tired. I need my hair colored, my eyebrows wa...