The Paranoia is Horrible

I keep waiting for the third accident to happen. Saturday night, it went from waiting for the third accident to happen to waiting for the third bad thing to happen. I fought the urge to hurt myself just to make it happen. I just need it over with. Paranoia, watching over my shoulder, being jumpy - it's how I live my life right now. I just want this over.

It's exhausting, living this way. My days are busy with appointments. Some days are so busy I can't keep up. I cry at the end of the day because I just want a break. Busy days and paranoia don't mix. My house is a mess and I can't keep up. I feel like I'm neglecting my kids. Matthew's needs feel like they're on the bottom rung of the ladder of my life.

This past Friday I only had one appointment. I managed to get caught up with laundry and fully vacuum the house. I felt accomplished. Then everyone came home and it looked like shit again. Why do I try?

I'm tired. I need my hair colored, my eyebrows waxed, and my nails done. I'm breaking out something fierce. I'm just done.

So there's my whine for the week. I'm hoping to be more upbeat and positive next week.

Nick did ask me if this is me coming down after a high. I told him no, this is me exhausted from doing too much. I didn't tell him how horrible the paranoia from the car accident is. It's horrible living with it. I know it's something I need to be working on in therapy. And maybe I'll finally bring it up today. Maybe I'll finally admit how hard this has hit me.

Until next week's dirt...

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