Moving on with the Dirt

 I've been writing this blog for six months now, and I need some topic ideas. Please let me know what you want me to write about. Shoot me an email (my email should be on my info page on my Facebook) or leave me a comment here. I'm really running out of ideas, guys. Nick brought up an idea; he suggested I write about my family. I have a plethora of siblings. I love them to pieces. I have 8 sisters and 5 (well, 4) brothers. One of my brothers did pass away. Although none of them are full blood relations, I love them all as if they are. I've never thought of them as half/step siblings. My mom used to tell the story about when she was in labor with me. She was up on a ladder hanging storm windows. It was late September, and she knew the windows needed to get done before I was born. For the longest time I thought, what the hell? How could she take such a risk? Didn't she care about me? Then, recently, my eldest sister pointed out that maybe Mom was angry because my father w...

 When I was Matthew's age, we didn't have the internet. I'd have to say it became popular probably when I was around 17 or so. I remember sitting at a friend's house when she first got it, probably charging up hundreds of dollars chatting with somebody online, because you know damn well it cost money by the minute back then. (Did it really? I don't know, because I didn't have it at my house and didn't pay for it at her house.) So what's my point? I'm job searching right now. My psychiatric nurse says, yes, I can get a job. Start out at 10 hours a week, and if I can handle that well, work my way up from there. I'm sending out applications. waiting to hear back, and wondering, hmmm, it's awfully quiet. I forgot that these days, potential employers look at your Facebook profile. I don't have anything I'm ashamed of on my profile, but my blog does post there, and I'm pretty open in this blog. I didn't have any intention of opening...

 There's some misconceptions about bipolar that I want to clear up, and I think it will help people to understand me better. Maybe it'll help to understand bipolar better in general. When I'm depressed, I get suicidal. Telling me that things will get better doesn't help. Telling me that people love me and I'll get through it doesn't make me feel better. When I'm in a suicidal depression, I truly feel as though everyone would be better off without me. At that point I've thought long and hard about it. I know without a doubt that my family would be happier not having to worry about me anymore. I know that I'm a terrible mother and that Nick can find a wife who will make him happier and make a better mother to our kids. You absolutely cannot talk me out of these thoughts, even as I pretend to listen to you and agree with you. Bipolar depression is deep and dark. It almost always ends in a suicide attempt for me. If it doesn't end in a suicide attemp...

 I've been sitting in front of a blank screen for hours now, trying to figure out what to write. For days I've been trying to come up with a good bipolar story to share. Alas, I have nothing. I just can't think of a story that won't hurt someone's feelings. I spent a wonderfully quiet night at the Mercy Prayer Cabin. I couldn't resist putting my luggage down and snapping some pictures as I was walking up and in. If you want to know why I find such peace there, just take a look at these pictures. I'm pretty sure I spent the majority of time on that little loveseat, reading and writing in my journal in front of the fireplace. I also slept a lot. I knew I needed the sleep. As I was leaving the prayer cabin, I saw this beautiful deer. It made a wonderful ending to my time there. It just walked around and let me take its picture. I sat there watching it for a couple of minutes and taking a few pictures. I've been looking at the symptoms of mania, the ones tha...