Moving on with the Dirt

It seems I've been dealt some pretty low blows this past week, and I've learned some lessons. Let me share those lessons with you: 1. People change. Maybe they aren't who they seemed to be in the first place. This can be both good and bad. Change is good. I've changed as a person. I like to think I've grown up and matured, can be honest about my feelings and the situation I'm in, and I believe I've done a fine job of standing up for myself. However, I'm still having to defend myself against my life's former choices, denying lies of today because they might have been relevant in the past. If that's a confusing sentence, it just reads, no, I'm not sleeping around. 2. Sometimes you can love someone and not know them at all. I will always love Nick. He gave me my children. He was my other half for almost 27 years. But I don't even know who he is anymore. I'm sure he can say the same of me. The fact is, this past week I don't even reco...

I have had a lot of guilt about leaving. I always felt that my children should grow up in a two-parent home. Part of me feels like I'm robbing Matthew of that, but watching Matthew in these past almost-two weeks, I know I've made the right decision. Knowing I made the right decision doesn't stop the guilt, though. I often worry I won't be able to make it on my own. I worry I won't be able to give Matthew the guidance he needs. I worry he'll fall in with the wrong crowds. You know what, though? Two of these worries I would have had if I'd stayed. When Nick and I were together, we had such different parenting styles, it often felt like we were single parenting anyway. When we first had Matthew, we were really excited to be parents again. Then the years passed, Matthew got his autism diagnosis, and it felt to me as though everything changed. I felt like Nick still expected Matthew to be this neurotypical child developing at the rate of every other child. I went...

I haven’t posted in a long time because there was a lot going on in my mind I couldn’t say. I wasn’t a happy person. I decided to move into an apartment in town with Matthew while I work on myself and some issues. I also hope Nick will take this time to work on his own stuff. Almost 27 years is a long time to walk out on. I do worry I won’t make it on my own, but each day I’m reminded of what a strong, independent woman I am. I didn’t like who I had become. I’m beginning to love myself again. I have many things to work on. But for now, I’m going to enjoy my beautiful apartment. Will I post again next week? We’ll see…