Second Week In A Row!

I have had a lot of guilt about leaving. I always felt that my children should grow up in a two-parent home. Part of me feels like I'm robbing Matthew of that, but watching Matthew in these past almost-two weeks, I know I've made the right decision. Knowing I made the right decision doesn't stop the guilt, though.

I often worry I won't be able to make it on my own. I worry I won't be able to give Matthew the guidance he needs. I worry he'll fall in with the wrong crowds. You know what, though? Two of these worries I would have had if I'd stayed.

When Nick and I were together, we had such different parenting styles, it often felt like we were single parenting anyway. When we first had Matthew, we were really excited to be parents again. Then the years passed, Matthew got his autism diagnosis, and it felt to me as though everything changed. I felt like Nick still expected Matthew to be this neurotypical child developing at the rate of every other child. I went the other way, babying him because Nick was expecting so much of him.

Now I don't feel like jello mom anymore. Matthew has gotten mad at me for laying down consequences here since moving into the apartment. He hasn't been used to me giving consequences. It actually feels good to parent gently but firmly.

Tonight I raised my voice for the first time since moving out, and I barely raised it, but I was not proud. I don't want to be that person anymore. The guilt got to me again after I raised my voice.

There's so much I need to work on. I have no clue how long it's going to take, but I hope to be a much better person when I'm done.


Will I see you again next week? The world may never know...

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