Moving on with the Dirt

 In 2020, I suffered quite a bit of depression. In February, I had a suicide attempt. I sat in my running car in the garage until I thought about Bryan finding me and lost my courage. I was sick when I got out of the car, suffering a horrible headache, upset stomach, and extreme fatigue. The next day I was admitted to the psychiatric ward after I admitted to my psychiatric nurse during our appointment what I had done. Before this attempt, however, I had sat in my car thinking about how to attempt suicide this way. I wrote a short essay based on this experience. Here is that essay: "She stares at the car keys in her hand. The car is currently shut off. The main garage door is open; the man door is shut. She presses the button to shut the main garage door. It slowly churns down, clunking with years of use. She closes her eyes and feels they keys in her hand, rolling them between her fingers. "She has been depressed for months now and has figured out her perfect suicide plan. It...

 It was the week of Thanksgiving. Matthew asked if we could go to McDonalds. I don't have any money, so I tell him no. He pulls this wad of cash out of his pocket and asks if we can go now. I ask him where he got all of this money, and he tells me it's from his birthday. I shrug and say, why the heck not! We drive though the McDonalds, ordering Matthew a chicken nugget meal. I ask for apple pies, but they don't have any. I'm bummed; I really want apple pies. But we get on the freeway and start heading for home, Matthew happily munching on chicken nuggets in the backseat. As we're driving down the freeway, I see the exit for another McDonalds. I tell Matthew we're going to pull off at this McDonalds. As we're pulling off the avenue and into the driveway, I see a homeless man walking. I smile and he waves and smiles at me. I go through the drive thru behind the slowest person ever. I finally get to make my order - two apple pies, please. I pull up to the windo...

 We left off last week's dirt with my pregnancy with Bryan. Nick wasn't around, but he had a change of heart in December 1997. It was confusing at first, because he called, stayed over, then disappeared again for a few days. When I finally went into labor with Bryan on January 16, 1998, Nick was around most of the time. He was there for Bryan's birth on January 17th, and I thanked him over and over for giving me this little miracle. When we had Bryan baptized in April 1998, Nick had been living with me and Bryan for a few months. We had had a DNA test because of the questionable parentage, and I wanted Nick to be 100% sure that he was Bryan's father. After the results came back in Nick's favor, we changed Bryan's last name from my last name to Nick's and had him baptized. I was a hormonal mess. I smiled nicely for the pictures but cried in the bathroom. I had everything I wanted in my little family. I pushed hard for marriage, though. Nick and I moved out of...

 Nick and I started dating in September 1995. I wasn't diagnosed bi-polar yet, but I was going through one heck of a roller coaster ride. I was drinking like crazy. One night I didn't come home. I had stayed at my sister's house, and my mom came over there in the morning. She told me I could pick my stuff up and stay with my sister. When I finally sobered up and went to pick up my stuff, my mom said I didn't have to leave. I couldn't wait for my independence, though, so I packed some of my clothes and left. I stayed with my sister for a couple of months. During that time, Nick and I spent a lot of time together. We would go out to Country Kitchen quite a bit and go out to play pool (he always kicked my butt). I was pretty manic that month of October 1995. I was overly sexual to the point where Nick was actually staying away from me because he thought I was "too much." That was a part of my manic phases, though. I was also spending all of my paychecks shopp...