How Far I've Come (Trigger - Suicide Attempt)

 In 2020, I suffered quite a bit of depression. In February, I had a suicide attempt. I sat in my running car in the garage until I thought about Bryan finding me and lost my courage. I was sick when I got out of the car, suffering a horrible headache, upset stomach, and extreme fatigue. The next day I was admitted to the psychiatric ward after I admitted to my psychiatric nurse during our appointment what I had done.

Before this attempt, however, I had sat in my car thinking about how to attempt suicide this way. I wrote a short essay based on this experience. Here is that essay:

"She stares at the car keys in her hand. The car is currently shut off. The main garage door is open; the man door is shut. She presses the button to shut the main garage door. It slowly churns down, clunking with years of use. She closes her eyes and feels they keys in her hand, rolling them between her fingers.

"She has been depressed for months now and has figured out her perfect suicide plan. It came to her one day after she came home and parked her car in the garage. She pressed the button that closed the main garage door but never shut off the car. She sat there for a few minutes with adrenaline coursing through her veins, then quickly shut off the car. She wasn't ready to die at that point; is she ready now?

"Her eyes are still closed, the keys clenched tightly between her fingers. She opens her eyes slowly, glancing at her rearview mirror at the closed main garage door. How is the seal? Will it leak? These are questions she wonders to herself. She glances forward at the man door. That seal isn't good.

"Life has been hard; the feelings inside of her are too much for her to comprehend on a daily basis. She can't escape this mental illness that she's been battling for the past 25 years. She's had five suicide attempts now. She doesn't want to attempt this time. She wants to succeed. She just wants to succeed at something in life.

"She turns the keys in her hand, her finger on the Start button in her car. She takes a deep breath. Is this it for her? Her finger trembles on the Start button. She closes her eyes again, praying for some sign that she's doing the right thing.

"The man door on the garage flies open with a bang. She gasps and her eyes quickly open, looking for the person behind the door, but no one is there. She drops the keys on the car floor, takes her finger off the Start button, gets out of the car, and walks over to the man door. She peeks out. There's a large snowbank that prevents the door from opening more than halfway, and the yard beyond is empty.

"She's received her sign."

A few days after writing this, I actually had my suicide attempt. During my stay in the hospital, I was extremely drugged up. I barely remember my time there. I have pages of journal writing that I had done there, but nothing was truly coherent.

My medications were changed while I was in the hospital and I was basically stabilized. I suffered some depression again in August and September, but the months of being stable were wonderful. On my 43rd birthday, I had another suicide attempt that nobody knew about using the same method. Once again, I got incredibly sick and just slept off the effects. I got in touch with my psychiatric nurse within a few days and told her my meds needed to be adjusted, which they were, and I've been stable for months now.

I've learned that self-care is important. I journal every day and use a light therapy box. I go away to a prayer cabin every other month. Nick and I have taken getaways. I see a therapist every other week. I keep in close contact with my psychiatric nurse.

It's hard to be honest about my feelings, which is why this blog feels so freeing to me. If I can help one person by being honest, then I've done something right.

Until next week's dirt...

If you're looking for mental health resources, nami.org is a great website.

The number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255.

If you're in crisis and prefer to text, you can text HOME to 741741 and you will receive free, 24/7 support via text.