Try to Keep Positive

I try really hard in my life to keep a positive outlook. That positive outlook seems to be going down the drain. I notice I'm an angrier person than I've been in a long time. I'm sick of the shit my kids have to go through, that I end up putting them through (the older ones, at least), because I end up having to put them in the middle because their father and I can't communicate. That tension flows over into other interactions, and I turn into a major bitch.

It's hard and inspiring all at the same time to watch blended families work together for the sake of the kids. I have a nephew and his wife parent beautifully with his ex-wife and her husband. I watch Shawn and his ex do everything in their power to come to agreements on what's best for their son. And my nephew (shown in the below picture - and he loves it!) co-parents with his ex in a civilized manner.

Is a civilized manner too much to ask? My leaving the kids' father was because I needed to work on my issues and I hoped he'd work on his anger issues. I really, truly hoped he'd take a look at how his anger was destroying his family. Matthew would yell at me and treat me with disrespect, and his father would turn around and yell at Matthew not to treat me that way. Where did he think our son was learning this behavior?

So very, very many behaviors. From ignoring me on Mother's Day one year, going so far as to telling our daughter, "No," when she suggested getting me flowers to yelling at Matthew until he cried because Matthew accidently knocked over a fan. From blaming me for him getting angry in therapy to telling one of our kids to run their car into a tree.

Maybe there is no civilized co-parenting in a situation like this. Maybe I can't keep positive in this type of toxic relationship.

Maybe I'm wrong to share these disturbing details of what my life was like back then...

...but you know what Anne Lamott said, "If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”

Until the next dirt...