Moving on with the Dirt

 Some people know that I'm on disability. I think I was about 19 when I was approved for it. I was unable to work at that time. I've worked on and off over the years, going off and on disability. Some of my jobs have been temporary, some have lasted a couple of years, and some of them have been hostile work environments and I couldn't handle them. I've read that many people with bipolar disorder have trouble working because a workplace can be very stimulating. I agree with this wholeheartedly. I worked at Target - bright lights, babies crying, beeping of the registers, you get my point. I only worked there for the holiday season for two seasons, and that was long enough. I was instructed by my psychiatric nurse to work only 3 hours a day for up to 12 hours a week. By the end of my 3 hours a day, I was more than ready to leave. I loved working there, but after Christmas was done, I was ready to be just a guest again. I knew that finding a job again was going to be a chal...

Over the years, I learned a few things to cope with my bipolar disorder. In the beginning, Nick and I made a sheet that we put on the fridge. I believe it had symptoms to look for when I was going manic or depressed, therapists and psychiatrists with their numbers, and hospitals with their numbers. (It's been a number of years, but I believe that's what was on it.) We were feeling out what worked for us, and that's when the hospital stays were really starting to vamp up and it was really necessary to know who to call in an emergency. We were always hesitant to call 911, because in those early years, the police weren't trained in mental health crises, and they weren't understanding. They just put you in cuffs and hauled you off in a not-caring manner. It was terrifying for me. As the hospital stays became more frequent and the medications I was trying grew to be more and more, I started to keep a list. For hospital stays, I kept the name of the hospital, the city and...

 Who here agrees that school was the worst? I've tried really hard not to give my "bad-school vibes" to my kids, but I don't think I've succeeded. Elementary school was okay. When I was in elementary school, I went to a modeling school. I was so proud of what I was doing. I worked my butt off. I wore my modeling school t-shirt proudly constantly, and I think I ticked a lot of people off with it. I wasn't bragging, but again, I was really proud of how hard I was working. I was in the adult women's class. Not many 9/10 year olds are in that class. (I'm pretty sure I was the only one.) At the end of that class, I was offered a job out in Chicago at Vogue magazine. I turned it down because I just wanted to go back to being a kid. As proud as I was of all I was doing, I was tired. Middle school was basically okay, too. I started dabbling with pink hearts and white crosses - speed, for lack of a better term. I was incredibly body conscious, and I knew I was ...

 After that first year living back in Minnesota, my depression was pretty bad. I had the suicide attempt in February 2020. While I was in the hospital, Nick and I had a family meeting (which was actually just the two of us) with a doctor or social worker; I can't remember which. I don't remember a lot about that hospital stay. They had me pretty drugged up. I believe I let it slip, however, about how unhappy I was and that I wanted to leave. I recall letting Nick know that I was afraid he'd try to fight me about the kids if I tried leaving. I was so tired of all the yelling that went on at our house. In May 2020, I applied for low-income housing. I gave the application to my mom to mail in June. I couldn't manage to do it myself. I was so torn. I felt like something needed to change, but I just didn't have the courage to change it. After my application was received, a letter arrived in the mail informing me that I was on the waiting list for an apartment. Nick got t...

 When we first moved back to Minnesota, I really struggled with liking Nick. We had lived apart for a year. He had originally moved up to Duluth first to work at his job while I stayed back in Wisconsin for the year. I was incredibly resentful at first. The first three months he was gone were extremely hard, but after that, the kids and I got into this great little rhythm with him being gone. It was peaceful, we did our own thing, we had a schedule down, and it was a quiet house. When Nick would come down to visit, suddenly the yelling and chaos would start, and I couldn't wait for him to leave. I thought, how horrible I feel that way about my husband!  But I wasn't getting things done fast enough for him. I wasn't packing fast enough. I wasn't getting the house cleaned fast enough. I'm pretty relaxed and I work best under pressure. He's the type that has to have everything pre-planned and ready to go months in advance. We're polar opposites on many things. ...