Let's Talk School and Friendships

 Who here agrees that school was the worst? I've tried really hard not to give my "bad-school vibes" to my kids, but I don't think I've succeeded.

Elementary school was okay. When I was in elementary school, I went to a modeling school. I was so proud of what I was doing. I worked my butt off. I wore my modeling school t-shirt proudly constantly, and I think I ticked a lot of people off with it. I wasn't bragging, but again, I was really proud of how hard I was working. I was in the adult women's class. Not many 9/10 year olds are in that class. (I'm pretty sure I was the only one.) At the end of that class, I was offered a job out in Chicago at Vogue magazine. I turned it down because I just wanted to go back to being a kid. As proud as I was of all I was doing, I was tired.

Middle school was basically okay, too. I started dabbling with pink hearts and white crosses - speed, for lack of a better term. I was incredibly body conscious, and I knew I was bigger than all of my friends. I would've done anything to lose weight. I was accused of selling in middle school and had to be interviewed by my favorite cop, who was once my softball coach. Holy, was I nervous.

There was the good in middle school, though. I was very involved in children's activism. Kids Plus, Youth Development Council, and other things that I could be involved in that were important for the voices of the youth were important to me.

High school was another story. I still tried to stay involved, but my mental health was really taking a downhill slide. I was only diagnosed with depression and being treated with antidepressants. That's not good for someone with bipolar disorder, especially when you have psychosis. I was hearing voices and having hallucinations. I would go to dances and football games. Some of them were great; others were nightmares.

In the tenth grade, I moved in with my dad. It was better there in that I wasn't taking any medication, but I was drinking. I was involved with the school play with some of my friends from that school. I had a good time at the school I went to, but I missed living with my mom and I wasn't being respectful to my dad's girlfriend, so I ended up moving back home.

My junior year I continued to try and be involved, but everything just slid downhill my senior year. My mental health was down. I lost all of my friends. They couldn't keep up with my ever-changing moods. I'll give them credit; they tried. I was skipping class about two to three days a week. I wanted to be involved with all the fun senior stuff that was going on, but my little "group" that had formed throughout the school years had split into two's and three's, and I had no place to fit anymore. That just made it easier for me to continue skipping school. I'd go to school on a Monday to learn the lesson and come back on Friday to take the test. There are times when I'd try to go other days, but I'd get so much crap from people about why I bothered to come that I thought, eh, why bother being there? Finally I was called in for a meeting by the principal and guidance counselor. I had missed so much school that I had to be home schooled for the remainder of the year or I wasn't going to graduate.

Some of my friends did try to stick around. My best friend from second grade was there off and on. I don't think she fully understood what was going on. She was busy with her life and the excitement of her senior year, and I know she was exasperated with my shit. We grew apart senior year but still talked and hung out. I had a friend who was no longer in our school who I stayed close with who would come over and keep me company. I had Nick, of course.

The worst friendships I lost were my two best friends throughout high school. We ended up going completely different directions, and it all blew up one day after school. It ended up in a huge confrontation, a visit to the principal's office, and my tires getting slashed. They say you forget after awhile, or the hurt lessens, but that's a hurt that's never going to go away. I've tried so hard to let it go, but every time I think about high school, that's what I think about.

For about 10 years after I graduated, I used to have nightmares that I was back in high school. I would be in class and everybody would be ignoring me. I would ask for help and nobody would acknowledge me. People would tell me to just go home; why was I even there? I hated sleeping. It was such a relief when the nightmares grew fewer and farther between. 

It's funny how a person can have a lot of friends on Facebook but not a lot of friends in real life. I'm pretty sure I can count on one hand the number of people I talk to in real life (if you're not counting my family). Appreciate your friends. Give them a call or text and say hi, love you.

Until next week's dirt...