The New Year is Here

I've been trying to compose a blog for at least two weeks now, starting and deleting at least three times. Something always happened to not align with what I wanted to say in that blog. Situations would change at the last minute or I would suddenly not feel the same way at the drop of a hat. What was going on?

I think when my mood stabilizer was adjusted, it was adjusted a little too high. I'm pretty sure it brought me down too much from my manic episode and sent me into a depression. I'm still here kicking, though. I refuse to let anybody/anything send me into the abyss that is my darkness for too long. I like the saying that goes something along the lines of - I've made it through 100% of my bad days, so I can make it through this one, too.

I'm a survivor of so many deep, dark depressions. I've been in my own personal hell more times than I care to count. I'm not at my lowest right now, and I won't get there, either. I'm determined to accept the help of those holding out their hands to me, willing to lift me up.

I came to a couple of realizations over the past two days. The first one comes from a reel I was watching by cyzor on Facebook. He was talking about Hitchen's Razor. It's basically the concept that if somebody accuses you of something, the burden of proof lays on them. You don't have to defend yourself or prove you didn't do something. I wish I would have learned that long ago. I would have saved a lot of time defending myself.

The second realization is I am who I am. I don't have to prove my worth to anybody. I know the type of person I am, my friends and loved ones know what type of person I am, and my kids have their ideals of what type of person I am. As each of my children get to know their mom as an adult more, they're going to realize that I am a person, too; a person with a completely different life than her kids could ever imagine.

I tested positive for Covid a couple hours ago. My surgery in two days will have to be canceled. I'm hoping there's a short cancelation list, because when I scheduled this surgery, the next opening was the end of February. I can't keep doing this month after month. As for the Covid? I'll just hope to get by as easy as possible. Within the past 6 hours, I had a sore throat and headache slam me. I'm afraid of how I'm going to feel tomorrow morning.

(It's now tomorrow morning. I feel like...well...dirt.)

Until the next dirt...

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