The Stages of my Life

I've lost myself a few times in my 46 years of life. I've managed to find myself again no matter the circumstances, though. I take comfort in knowing no matter how long I have been lost, I've always found myself again...


It was at age 19 I found out I was pregnant with Bryan. I had cheated on Nick the month before I got pregnant with Bryan. This picture was taken shortly before I found out I was pregnant, in the spring of 1997. Nick and I broke up not long after I found out I was pregnant because he thought Bryan wasn't his. It took a DNA test to prove Bryan was biologically Nick's.

This was a huge turning point in life for me. I had been manic for a number of months leading up to my getting pregnant with Bryan. I was doing nothing with my life but drinking and partying. My life was going nowhere. One night I passed out on a church doorstep. When I came to and started walking home, a man claiming to be a cop pulled over to give me a ride. He had no ID and I refused. He followed me for about 10 minutes before giving up. I was well on my way to some sort of death.

Then I got pregnant. I knew I would do anything for the little life inside of me, so I straightened my shit out. Yes, I lost my boyfriend/the baby's father in the process, but my life existed for Bryan.

(No picture of me at 28 - I think they're at Nick's house)

Age 28 was my golden birthday - going to court and being admitted to an inpatient mental health unit my gift. I spent almost a month in that unit before being released and escorted to a halfway house to live. The manic phase I had been in for the last six months or so had basically diminished. Nick served divorce papers on me. Tea was 3 and Bryan was 7, too young for all of this to be going on in their lives.

I was still living in the halfway house the day I went to see my children at my and Nick's house. I was inside the house, fighting with Nick because I wanted the kids to come with me and he was having none of it, when Nick pushed me hard enough that my jacket came off and I fell over the back of the couch. Tea stood nearby screaming, "Don't hit my mom!"

I did call the police that day. When they asked if I wanted to press charges, I really, honestly didn't know, and I told them that. (The DA decided since it was Nick's first offense, they would brush it off.) What I knew after that day was I needed to protect my kids, and I needed to keep my family together to do that. Nick and I reconciled, and I was back in the house to live within the next month and a half.

I made a resolve when I walked back into that house - I was going to be the best mother and wife there could be.


Age 44 is the age I left Nick. I finally stepped out of the zone I'd been in for years, the comfort of the discomfort. The smile above was what I could manage when I was being honest with myself. I was uncertain I was doing the right thing but certain I needed to do it. So many things we each needed to work on individually before we could even tackle us as a couple. So many changes in such a short amount of time. Suddenly this was a new discomfort, but I was tackling it with new friends and a supportive family.

There's so much love in my life now. My kids are wonderful. I have Shawn. I have my friends here. My family is always close by my side. And there's always people with such big hearts who pray for me and those around me.

That mood swing I was going into weeks ago was a manic phase. The medication I increased took care of it before it got too bad. Last night I was thinking, though, why didn't I even think about cheating on Shawn the way I had always cheated on Nick? It made me wonder, is there just enough love and communication in my relationship with Shawn that I have no interest in going elsewhere? It's absolutely amazing the changes that have happened in my life in these past 18 months.

I'm accepting Nick and I aren't going to communicate. We aren't going to get past the hurt we've done to each other, at least not anytime soon. He's going to continue to lie about me to people. It is what it is. I dodged a bullet.

Until the next dirt...

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