A Vulnerable Moment

I'm going to share something I wrote in my journal on January 15 of this year. Keep in mind this is what I felt and they are just my feelings and opinions:

"I never wanted to be a divorced woman. And now I have signed divorce papers and this divorce is looming in front of me and could be finalized as early as this week. It's everything I didn't want in life. I have to look Nick in the eye in two days and admit (in my head) that I was a failure at what I tried so hard at in life, and he doesn't even care - he moved on so quickly without a care in the world, when it ripped my world apart..."

My divorce was finalized three days later. I'm pretty good at pretending everything is good. I was glad the whole mess was over with. However, what I wrote was true. I never wanted to be a divorced woman. When I got married, it was going to be for life. There are still times when I look back and feel like a complete failure because I left.

There was another thing I wrote a few days earlier, though. I was writing about not thinking of it as 26 1/2 years down the toilet. Instead:

"We've got three beautiful children out of the deal. I've rediscovered my independence. I met many new friends as a result of leaving. And I've learned a lot about myself. I know what kind of person I want to be and definitely who I DON'T want to be.

"I don't want to be a cheater...

"I don't want to be a liar...

"I want to love my kids with my whole heart."

From my experiences of the past, I knew who I didn't want to be. Didn't matter how many years it had been, I knew I didn't want to be that person. And I knew the top priority for me would always be to love my kids with my whole heart, no matter how old they are.

The point of all of this? Sometimes you have to bend or you will break. Being a divorced woman is not a bad thing. Keeping in mind the kind of person I do and don't want to be keeps me going. Keeping the good changes in my life is important to me. Making sure my kids are loved and safe will always be my priority.

These changes are also excellent for my relationship with my boyfriend. I'm learning how to communicate (although trust me, there have been some fumbles along the way), I'm not afraid to tell the truth, and he's the only one for me. 

My relationship now is helping me learn more about what happens in a healthier relationship. Yeah, we have our moments, because as I know, no relationship is perfect. But what I've learned is it's how you work through those moments together. And I am so grateful to have someone wonderful to work though it with.

Until the next dirt...

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