How Has It Been This Long?

When I separated from Nick, I wasn't seriously expecting a divorce. When we decided to get a divorce, I thought it would be over with by our anniversary. Well, guess what? September 21st was our 20-year marriage anniversary, 27 years together. We are still officially married in the state's eyes. Can this just be over yet?

I feel like we'd both be in better places if we could put this marriage behind us. We could both move on with our lives. We could learn to co-parent. Maybe if we could open up the lines of communication that eluded us in our marriage, we could have an easier divorce.

Matthew has spent three out of four weekends with his dad this month. He's also started school. There's been a change in Matthew that hasn't been the greatest. I knew 4th grade was going to be difficult, but there's also a lot of behaviors I see in him now that he was expressing before we left Nick's house. Disrespect for me. Yelling at me. Treating me poorly in general.

I love the support system I currently have in my life. My friends are awesome. My co-workers are wonderful. My family is the absolute best. I have more people in my life now than I ever had before. Yet sometimes I still flounder around feeling lonely and like I should be battling this on my own. I don't want to burden anyone with what I'm feeling. And I have such a hard time asking for help. It's hard enough to accept it when it's offered to me, but actually asking for it feels like I'm being turned inside out. I'm sure people know how I feel, but I really feel alone and misunderstood, and it's hard to open up about that.

My title, how has it been this long, relates to how long I've been separated - almost 5 months now - and why I'm not divorced yet. I found out just a few weeks after I moved out about Nick moving on. I knew right away there was no recovering our marriage once I found out everything. I thought it would be a quick and easy divorce. I was wrong. Now I wonder, how has it been this long? I realize this is a short time in the history of some people's divorces. I also realize I never knew the man I married.


Hoping to be back with more regular dirt soon...

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