I'm Checking In

I had a lot of hatred going on these past few weeks. I was hurt by the actions Nick was pulling. Then I realized, I left to work on my own "stuff." Part of that was my feelings on monogamy. If he thought I wasn't going to be monogamous, why should he stay that way? It's not fair to him to expect him to stay that way when he didn't know if I was going to stay that way. (Of course, open communication would have prevented a lot of the struggle and heartache in this, but it is what it is.)

I've come to terms with all of this now, though. I wish Nick the best. I just want to get this divorce over with and move on with my life, like he's moved on with his.

For quite a while I felt discarded. I felt like I wasted the last almost 27 years of my life, like I’d thrown away all those years. But you know what? They weren’t thrown away! They have made me into the woman I am today. Those years gave me three beautiful children. They gave me memories, both good and bad.

Nick and I went up the North Shore for our 17th wedding anniversary. We stopped at Black Beach on the way back. It was beautiful. It was a memory I’ll never forget. I don’t think he felt the same. He went on a date up to Black Beach and said he’d never been there before. When I found that out, it crushed me. I thought it was a magical experience we shared together. Then I thought about our whole anniversary weekend. He complained about the money we spent. It was less than $50 for each year we'd been married. I thought, if our marriage meant so little to him in monetary value, I guess the memory meant that little to him, as well.

I had texted Nick wondering what we would've done for our anniversary this year had we still been together. He said it doesn't matter now. You know what? It does kind of matter to me, because I don't think anything would've been planned. Or if something had been planned, money would've been an issue again.

That's okay. It's time to move on. I am going to concentrate on getting healthier. My meds are already being weaned down. I feel really good. I'm a little off here and there when a memory hits, but these past several days I've just felt nostalgic, not hateful. I wish Nick the best with his future. I hope he gets help with his anger, that he treats his next relationship better, if he has more kids, he treats them right. I hope we're able to be friendly, raise Matthew in a pleasant manner. I hope one day we're able to dance at our kids' weddings and remember the good times.

Until then, I'll do what I need to do to heal.



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