Manic

For many months, I questioned if I was manic. I looked heavily at my behaviors, examining them carefully. I was drinking. I had a sister (or was it two?) express maybe I was drinking too much. I quit drinking as much as I was and went back to drinking maybe once a week. Now I have one maybe once every two weeks or even longer. I was hypersexual. Well, can I help it I like sex? That tends to come and go in waves, too, depending on how I'm being treated. I was shopping more than usual, but it was the Christmas season.

I mulled over these behaviors. I look at my behaviors now. I truly do not believe I was manic over the past few months. I believe every decision I've made, I've made with a clear mind. I also think if I was manic, I'd be in a terrible depression right now. It's been in my history after every manic episode I've had to crash into suicidal depression. I'm still doing well. A bit cranky at times, maybe, but I'm content with the decisions I'm making. I'm happy with my job, I love my family, and I'm working on keeping my life balanced.

I need the world to know I would do anything for this little boy. He is my whole life right now. Bryan and Tea are adults, and I still feel the need to protect them, but I have to let them spread their wings. Matthew isn't helpless, but he's still so innocent. With his autism, he has a hard time speaking up for himself. I need to be his voice and his advocate. I need to protect him. I will do anything for him.

Life is scary sometimes. It's unknown. And this is covered spectacularly in Mark Manson's "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F**k." I highly recommend picking it up and giving it a read, or, like I'm doing, listening to it on Audible. Of course, if you're opposed to swearing, avoid it like the plague. I like when he says, "There is little that is unique or special about your problems." It's true. So many people share the same problems. This is why support groups are popular. Like-minded people get together and share their issues, showing each other support. Mom's groups - each mom can find something in common. Think of a problem you have. Now type it into a search engine. I can pretty much guarantee somebody else has also typed it in there.

I've been having a really hard time writing. I need to get some inspiration again. I wanted to attend an online workshop but was unable to do so at the last minute, and I was extremely disappointed. I look online for retreats every so often and dream of how wonderful September's retreat was, how inspiring. Now Kim is putting on another retreat in April, and I'm dying to go, but I'm not sure how to swing it. The inspiration I know I'd get from it, though...

One more thing on which to update - I'm starting a new mini course through Wesleyan University called Living a Good Life. It was offered to me for free as one of their alumni. Apparently it's a bit of a guinea pig course. They recently created it and are testing it out. It's a combination of philosophy and psychology. I don't know where I thought I'd find the time to fit it in to my schedule, but it sounded interesting, and who needs sleep anyway?

Until next week's dirt...