A Serious Topic (TW: Rape)

When I was 8 years old, I was raped by the son of my mom's friend. I can remember everything so clearly - the layout of the house, the toys we were playing with that day, where the windows were and the prints/pictures on the walls. I especially remember the ballerina jewelry box I opened after and just listened to the music, mortified and ruined.

I never screamed, not because I was told not to, but because I knew I wasn't supposed to. Good girls don't fight. I had such a screwed up imagine of what sex was even back then due to being molested at a young age (but that's an entirely different story), that I knew you didn't fight, you didn't scream, and you just took it. You didn't tell or something bad would happen.

Now I know those things aren't true. But, man, did it screw up my life and sexuality for many years. Throughout my teenage years, I couldn't stand to be touched, except hugs. I couldn't even kiss a guy. Then I would get manic, I would become hypersexual, and all of that would get thrown out the window and I would become a slut. There was no in between.

I believe that even happened into my 20s. Life was hard. Nightmares and flashbacks were awful. I give credit to Nick for putting up with as much as he did. He was such a patient man. He tolerated my manic-phase cheating, flashbacks, and horrible behavior. He did it all with love.

I feel like I've finally come into myself these past few months, maybe even this past year. Is it a mid-life crisis? Could be. I'm getting a tattoo. I got a job. I'm ready to dye my hair darker again (the brown is fading back to dishwater blond). And I'm not a sex-crazed maniac due to my bi-polar disorder; I'm comfortable in my body, and that comfort transfers into other places in my life. I no longer have flashbacks and nightmares (unless it's about the car accident). I feel as though I'm free.

The tattoo I'm getting is a butterfly. To me it symbolizes freedom - freedom from all the crap I've been through in life. It symbolizes spreading my wings and flying. It gives me permission to be the person I want to be - the person I'm becoming. The woman I'm becoming. Here is a picture of the butterfly I'm getting. It's only going to be an inch and a half wide, so it won't be as intricate as this picture, but you get the general idea.

I'm healing every day thanks to a lot of therapy, love, and patience. Speaking out is important to me. I'm not ashamed of what happened to me. I'm not a victim; I'm a survivor. I think it's important to emphasize there is no shame in being raped or molested. The perpetrator should be ashamed of themselves.

RAINN, the nation's largest anti-sexual violence organization, can help with information and resources. You can contact them at rainn.org or 1-800-656-HOPE (4673).

Until next week's dirt...



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