What You Don't Understand

 There's some misconceptions about bipolar that I want to clear up, and I think it will help people to understand me better. Maybe it'll help to understand bipolar better in general.

When I'm depressed, I get suicidal. Telling me that things will get better doesn't help. Telling me that people love me and I'll get through it doesn't make me feel better. When I'm in a suicidal depression, I truly feel as though everyone would be better off without me. At that point I've thought long and hard about it. I know without a doubt that my family would be happier not having to worry about me anymore. I know that I'm a terrible mother and that Nick can find a wife who will make him happier and make a better mother to our kids. You absolutely cannot talk me out of these thoughts, even as I pretend to listen to you and agree with you.

Bipolar depression is deep and dark. It almost always ends in a suicide attempt for me. If it doesn't end in a suicide attempt, there is self-harm. It can take me a long time to get out of it. If I'm lucky, once I'm out of it, I'll be stable, but if I'm not lucky, if the meds aren't right, I go into a manic phase.

Manic phases aren't just being happy. I'd love to just be happy. My manic phases are sleeping around with randos, drinking until I black out, shopping until I'm tens of thousands of dollars in debt, and ruining friendships and family relationships. Sometimes I'm angry and pick fights. Sometimes I just don't care about anything and Nick gets left holding all the responsibilities.

It hurts me when people try to compare their happy and sad phases to my bipolar moods. Don't get me wrong, I'm sympathetic to my friends and family. I can empathize with what you're feeling. If you've had a day, or two, or three where you haven't felt like getting out of bed, I get it. But do you understand what it's like to feel that way for 8 months? Where there are days where you literally cannot drag yourself out of bed? Where you've had to have somebody force you out of bed and into the shower just to get you going while you're crying the entire time? Have you had to leave a half-full cart of groceries at the store because you're crying and can't stop because they're out of your brand of creamer? Then you sit in your car crying hysterically for half an hour before you can drive?

Have you ever had so much to drink that your hands are shaking in the morning because you're still partly drunk? Or maybe you need a drink? But when you're not manic, you wouldn't touch a drink for months, even years at a time? Have you ever looked back at something that you've done or written months later and thought, who the heck was that person and been so ashamed of your behavior? Have you ever had professionals excuse your behavior because you're not responsible for your own actions because you have a brain disorder?

It's all these things and more that I live with on a daily basis. I thank God that I'm mostly stable right now. And I thank God for this man that has stood by my side for the last 25 1/2 years. 


Until next week's dirt...

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

So, Yeah, Almost a Year

Image
It's been almost a year since I've posted, and I think I'm about ready to open up about what's happened in this past year. In the beginning of November 2024, Shawn and I were getting ready to go to Vegas. We were going because I wanted to see the stars in the desert when it was a new moon. Of course, we also wanted to see our friend who also lived out there, but the big push was the stars. I was so looking forward to it. Shawn and I stayed the night at a hotel near the airport the night before our flight. When I woke up the morning of our flight, I felt "off." I was hot. My mind was fuzzy. I felt like crying. When Shawn woke up, I felt like I wasn't able to communicate with him how I felt. I couldn't get across to him what was going on. The walls were closing in, I couldn't breathe, I started to cry, and finally I just started screaming. I don't know exactly what happened, other than to describe it as my mind broke. We were supposed to be catch...
Read more

Am I Old?

Image
I broke down in tears yesterday. At first I couldn't put my finger on it. I had been messaging with my oldest about high school. It's my 30-year class reunion coming up, and it's his 10-year class reunion. I had sent him a little message in the beginning saying, "Why would I want to go to my high school reunion when I didn't even want to go to high school in the first place?" We had a good giggle about it, talked about how horrible high school was for the both of us, then went about our days. I had a birthday party for my youngest last weekend. The kid is now a teenager. My baby boy - a teenager. I almost can't wrap my head around it. Yeah, he's got the attitude down. But it's only 5 more years until he officially will reach adulthood. Wow. And my beautiful daughter is married and planning a wedding that her loved ones can be at. Each day I have to remind myself that she is not a little girl sitting at a princess table doing a "project." ...
Read more

Try to Keep Positive

Image
I try really hard in my life to keep a positive outlook. That positive outlook seems to be going down the drain. I notice I'm an angrier person than I've been in a long time. I'm sick of the shit my kids have to go through, that I end up putting them through (the older ones, at least), because I end up having to put them in the middle because their father and I can't communicate. That tension flows over into other interactions, and I turn into a major bitch. It's hard and inspiring all at the same time to watch blended families work together for the sake of the kids. I have a nephew and his wife parent beautifully with his ex-wife and her husband. I watch Shawn and his ex do everything in their power to come to agreements on what's best for their son. And my nephew (shown in the below picture - and he loves it!) co-parents with his ex in a civilized manner. Is a civilized manner too much to ask? My leaving the kids' father was because I needed to work on my ...
Read more