A Little More Poetry

 A few week's ago, I mentioned that I'm part of a writer's group. This writer's group is part of a larger organization. They sponsor workshops, have a monthly newsletter, and host an annual writing contest. I wrote a poem in the beginning of 2020 which I actually had the courage to enter into their writing contest. 

"Of Course, I Love You"

He wakes up beside me
and I look at him.
"Do you love me?" I ask;
my heart beats in anticipation
of what his answer is going to be.

"Of course, I love you," he answers,
glancing at his phone on the bedside table.
His answer this morning is the same as
it has been every other morning.

Of course, I love you.

But I see that he is into his social network.
He can't show me that he loves me.
He can say it, but he can't reach over and stroke my hair,
caress my hand, or give me a gentle kiss.
Updating his status takes priority
or catching up with what he may have missed in those precious hours while sleeping.

I sigh and roll over.
I close my eyes.
Sometimes I'm not sure
I love him anymore.

Amanda Poehls-Kilpatrick

Obviously I needed some therapy to deal with how I was feeling about my marriage at the time. Was I able to tell Nick how I felt? After a bit of time, yes. Marriage is hard. Anybody who's been married knows that. It doesn't matter if you have a mental illness or not, it's just hard. Maybe having a mental illness makes it harder because I don't know how to approach topics to discuss them.

I think having bi-polar disorder sometimes makes me think in black and white: I love him/I don't love him. He's wonderful/he's awful. There is no in between sometimes. I've been in therapy most of my life, and a lot of that is to try and find the grey in life. When you're so used to balancing on extreme polar opposites, it's hard to find the middle. Nick and I have our issues. Neither of us is perfect. We're trying to find that middle ground together.


And FYI, I didn't even place with my poem. I guess I need to work on my writing more. LOL

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