Bi-Polar and My Relationships

November 30, 2020

My bi-polar disorder has affected my relationships in many ways. One of the big relationships it's affected is with my weight. Taking many medications has made my weight fluctuate up and down. I used to consider myself heavy because I was "bigger" than my friends, meaning I was taller than them and had a larger bone structure. In my senior year, I went between a size 10 and 12 for my 5 foot 10 inch frame.

The largest I ever got was a size 26. I was in my late 30s, and when I hit a certain number on the scale, I vowed I wouldn't let that number go any farther. I was letting my meds become an excuse to gain weight. I no longer had that right. The meds that I was on weren't making me gain weight any longer; I was eating because they made me hungry, but I learned to control that hunger. This is a picture of me, not even at my heaviest, in 2011.

Bi-polar disorder has also affected my relationships with my children. When my oldest, Bryan, was little (and still to this day), we were very close, and I was extremely overprotective. When I was pregnant with him, I was on bedrest for a few months. I had plenty of time to play music to my belly and bond with him. After I had him, I had a little bit of post-partum depression, but nothing too bad. He was in the NICU for 8 days, and I had a chance to really bond with him there, too, taking a room right next to the NICU after I was released from the hospital. I feel like Bryan saved me from a path of destruction had I not ended up pregnant. And so, while he was very little, I was med compliant. As he grew up, though, not so much. Here's a picture of a time when I was med compliant.

My relationship with my daughter, however, was a little more rocky to start. My pregnancy was higher risk because I had just had a miscarriage the month before I got pregnant with her and was on all of my meds when I did get pregnant with her. The doctors didn't know if her organs were going to form properly. Due to the high risk and depression I was suffering from the miscarriage, I was afraid to bond. When I found out we were having a girl, I was terrified I'd be unable to protect her from the world's hurt that awaited her. When I finally had that healthy daughter of mine, I suffered post-partum psychosis, and was further unable to bond with her. I was in and out of the hospital the first year of her life, and she spent time between one of my sister's houses and her grandparent's house. Finally, when she was three, I saw a therapist who was able to break through and teach me how to bond with her. Here we are wearing matching shirts and necklaces a few months after she had turned two.

Matthew completed our family, and I also suffered with some post-partum depression with him, although by then, I was completely med compliant. I had planned on having more children after Matthew, but after an incident one afternoon, I knew it wasn't a good idea. I had kept Matthew safe but felt like I was going out of my mind and just ended up calling the hospital and scheduling to have my tubes tied. Matthew was about 5 months old by this point. It's probably the best decision I ever made, as I know now that more children would have been too much for me with this condition.

So how has my relationship been with the kids as they've been growing up? Pretty darn close, actually. However, the older kids, as they were growing up, decided that they don't want children because they don't want to pass on my mental health genes. Watching everything that's happened as they've grown up has really affected them. I'm sure they have some wicked stories that they can tell; I can only tell things from my side, which I will. Here's pictures of me with my kids now.