Moving on with the Dirt

It's been almost a year since I've posted, and I think I'm about ready to open up about what's happened in this past year. In the beginning of November 2024, Shawn and I were getting ready to go to Vegas. We were going because I wanted to see the stars in the desert when it was a new moon. Of course, we also wanted to see our friend who also lived out there, but the big push was the stars. I was so looking forward to it. Shawn and I stayed the night at a hotel near the airport the night before our flight. When I woke up the morning of our flight, I felt "off." I was hot. My mind was fuzzy. I felt like crying. When Shawn woke up, I felt like I wasn't able to communicate with him how I felt. I couldn't get across to him what was going on. The walls were closing in, I couldn't breathe, I started to cry, and finally I just started screaming. I don't know exactly what happened, other than to describe it as my mind broke. We were supposed to be catch...

I've learned a number of things in the past 2+ years that I've been out of my marital relationship. One is that I can grow gray hairs super easily as well as lose those colored hairs just as easily. I'm honestly surprised I'm not bald yet. On the hair front, perhaps the head hairs are just migrating to my face? I seem to need my chin waxed an awful lot. Same with the upper lip. Ah, well, such is the tale of my life. Another thing I learned, and possibly most vital, is I haven't worked out the issues I thought I had. I still question my sexuality sometimes. It's more of an, "Am I asexual?" question, though. I had many of those thoughts while I was still in my marriage. Sometimes it just takes so long to even hold hands or snuggle, and then that's enough for me. I've been chalking it up to numerous surgeries, stress, and peri-menopause, but I really feel like something may be wrong with me some days. There are times I think I'm not "qual...

I've been sitting on this computer for awhile now (well, not literally) trying to decide what I want to write. There's so much going on in life right now. I guess the biggest news is that I lost my job. Honestly, if I'd opened my eyes a little wider, I would have seen it coming. It was a surprise, but I do not blame my boss. She was the best boss anyone could have ever asked for. I told her in the beginning I was with her until the end. I was with her for over 3 1/2 years. That's the longest I've ever kept a paying job. Her needing to continue on without me was in everyone's best interest. The day after I was let go, I had surgery on my leg. It was painful, the anti-anxiety meds they gave me didn't kick in until after the surgery was over, but it was so worth it in the end. I do it again in about a week on the other leg. I had a comment today, generally talking about my health and the amount of crap I've had since I've moved in (to the entire neighbo...

I try really hard in my life to keep a positive outlook. That positive outlook seems to be going down the drain. I notice I'm an angrier person than I've been in a long time. I'm sick of the shit my kids have to go through, that I end up putting them through (the older ones, at least), because I end up having to put them in the middle because their father and I can't communicate. That tension flows over into other interactions, and I turn into a major bitch. It's hard and inspiring all at the same time to watch blended families work together for the sake of the kids. I have a nephew and his wife parent beautifully with his ex-wife and her husband. I watch Shawn and his ex do everything in their power to come to agreements on what's best for their son. And my nephew (shown in the below picture - and he loves it!) co-parents with his ex in a civilized manner. Is a civilized manner too much to ask? My leaving the kids' father was because I needed to work on my ...

I never believed when I left my home and marriage in May 2022, I'd truly start an entirely new life. There was always part of me that believed I would be home within the year. I would have worked on my issues and come to terms with who I truly am as a person. I know who I am. I am a woman with a pure heart. I love deeply. I have come to terms with my past and forged ahead to my future. I no longer wish to hold onto previous grievences, instead wishing only to focus on what is in store for me and my loved ones. Shawn and I moved in together this month. We are renting a 4-bedroom with Bryan as a roommate. Our littles each have their own bedroom. It's been a whirlwind of packing, unpacking, trying to figure out what goes to storage, trying to figure out what can be thrown away, etc. It's hectic and stressful and fun and I love where all of this is going. I'm slowly getting pictures up, and this is my proudest wall yet: I love the fact that my and Shawn's littles play t...

It's been awhile since we've had a good mental health talk. I spent a decent few months giving presentations on mental health until, frankly, I wore myself out. I was doing too much and needed to take a break. I needed to take care of myself. Just this week, I went back to the prayer cabin to try and recenter myself. It was calm and peaceful, and I've made a reservation for another two months out. I've found going to the prayer cabin is something I'm going to have to do for myself every other month regardless of who I'm married/not married to, who's living/not living in the house, what job I have/don't have...well, you get it. It's a piece of self-care I've found works for me. Here's two pictures from my visit: Self-care is different for different people. My daughter came over recently and seemed a little restless. She mentioned something about chalk and my walkway. I gave her chalk and sent her outside like she was 5 again. When she was fini...